now

Sometimes, when I start a new phase in my life, I think about what my mother would say if she was still here. I wonder…

Would she be proud of me?

Would I be the person I am today if I didn’t endure the loss of my mother?

I will never know.

I will never know what it feels like to bring home a significant other to my mom and have her approve or disapprove. I will never know what she would say at my college graduation, my new apartment 2,000 miles from home, my wedding or the day I become a mom myself. The dead do not speak. The are mourned for and remembered by their loved ones.

When I am given the time to be introspective, I realize we live for ourselves. Whether or not my mother would be proud of me is irrelevant to my current state of happiness because regardless of whether or not she was alive, I would have to live life for me.

Throughout my childhood, I lived to make my parents proud. To an extent, I hope that I am continuing to make my father proud. However, the only distinction between now and then is that regardless of whether or not I please my father, I will continue to do what pleases me.

 

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I miss her every day. Some more than others, but I miss her every single day. I miss her laugh, her voice and her hugs. But by losing her, I hold my loved ones even tighter because I know the treasure that is life.